While I’m Complaining, I’m, at Least Reading Other People’s Blogs – Part ONE

You know how I write these ridiculously long posts that are annoying.  Well, I’ve been working on that.  And, then, while I’ve been sick, (and pretending to sit at my computer and work anyway, even though I’m not really), I’ve read a lot of blogs.  My feed reader had over 500 posts in it a few days ago, now? I’m down to 103.  That’s progress right.

But, since my brain isn’t working so well, I’m also stealing from other bloggers.  I stole the Me Me from Mary Poppins remember?  I mean, no one steals from someone named Mary Poppins and gets away with it to they?

Anyway, in my reading, I ran across these two posts by Mighty Girl and I couldn’t help but compare.  I’ve written in great length how my mom is very different than I am and that I have more of my father’s traits.  That alone makes it difficult for my mom and I to see eye to eye very often.

Anyway, I had to steal this, (I’ll be in blogger jail before long) but I wanted to compare it to the kinds of things my mom would throw at me. 

I’m telling you, Mighty Girl’s mom makes good sense, my mom’s comments, they are in red

After I started writing, I decided I would throw in what I would tell my children, even if they are boys……just food for thought, it is in blue.

Here is ADVICE FROM MOM, PART 1 FROM MIGHTY GIRL

Mighty Girl’s Mom (MGM):  Wear the tight dress. You won’t have that body forever.

My Mom (MM) You slut, if you wear such as that, you’ll be raped and beaten and no man will ever have you for their wife.

Me:  It’s ok to go with the lady in the tight dress, just remember she might not have that body forever.

(MGM):  If there’s a nuclear war, head north. There will be less fallout up there. 

MM:  Nuclear war?  What’s that?

Me:  Nuclear.  Not Nuuuuu kuuuu larh.  Nuclear.

MGM:  Don’t tell contractors what to do, it pisses them off. Ask them. And bring beer.

MM:  Stay away from those men, they are working and the last thing they want is some silly girl around.  (Beer?  Oh my god, she just fainted)

Me:  Hopefully you will be as smart and talented as your father and you won’t have to hire a contractor.  The beer, ahhhh, live a little, enjoy your life.

MGM:  If you’re lost in the woods, follow a stream downstream and you’ll find houses. 

MM: Do not go into the woods alone and do not go into the woods with a man, they all have evil intentions and you will regret it.

Me:  If you are lost in the woods, don’t forget that you have a GPS locator on your cell phone.

MGM:  The more they process the food, the more you have to pay. Buy the whole chicken.

MM:  Do you mean to tell me you can buy chicken that is not whole?  Why not just go outdoors and wring the neck of one of our own chickens and cook it up for Sunday dinner?  Why be so wasteful as to go the store?

Me:  I have no clue how to cook chicken.  You can buy chicken nuggets at almost any fast food place and you can always break down and go to KFC if you need the cholesterol.

MGM:  If a bear attacks, curl into a ball to protect your internal organs.

MM:  A bear?  Now, see, if you had listened to me on the one above, you wouldn’t be in the woods where bears are and you wouldn’t even need advice on any such idea as this.

Me:  Bears aren’t generally found in the woods around here, but if you plan to be in woods that might have bear in them, don’t forget your GPS locator and watch where you step for signs of bear near by.

MGM:  If someone needs money enough to beg for it, give them a dollar.

MM:  Where in the world would you encounter someone begging for money.  You need to stay right here and never stray, that way if you do see someone who is asking for money, you will know exactly who they are, their parents, their grandparents, their aunts, uncles, cousins, their children, and then you will know whether they really need the help or not and you can act accordingly.  You mean, people really beg strangers for money?

Me:  Ok, we live in a family of not even lower middle class people.  Yes, we (your father and I) have managed to make a better living for ourselves, but basically, your relatives have mostly been raised in poverty.  Make your own judgement on whether the beggar is sincere.  And, remember, your family has been the beggar before, so if it’s only a dollar, buy them a burger or just give them the dollar, you never know.  At least you’ve done your part, if they are a scam, they will have to live with that.

MGM:  If you boil willow bark and drink the tea, it’s like taking asprin. 

MM:  Willow bark?  Is that legal?  That sounds like something your father would dream up and try.  Do not do that.

Me:  I dunno know, just watch you boil, drink or smoke if you don’t know where it came from.

MGM:  You should iron that.

MM:  No dear, I’ll iron that, you don’t know how, and as long as you live right here, I have more time to iron for you than you do and really, you just aren’t good at ironing.

Me:  You should iron that because I don’t know how.  And, by the way, will you iron this for me.  Or, you could ask your father.

MGM:  If something big stabs you, leave it in until you can get to the hospital.

MM:  Now, see, there you go acting like your father again, just where in the world would you go for someone to stab you, you need to stay at home like I told you in the first place.  No one in this house is going to stab you.

Me:  Be nice to people but sometimes trouble will find you, if you get stabbed leave it in until you get to the hospital.

MGM:  Put a little lipstick on, Margaret.

MM:  You huzzy, no one wears lipstick except huzzy.  You need to model after those women sitting on the front pews at church with their hair bundled on top of their head.  Lipstick?  Made from the devil I tell you.

ME:  I apparently bought this one hook line and sinker because I do not even own a tube of lipstick and never have.

MGM:  You need to learn to shoot a handgun.

MM:  A gun?  Guns are for men, you my sweet darling little pink wearing ballerina are a girl and you have no reason to even be near a gun.

Me:  I don’t like guns, your father loves them.  Don’t talk to me about guns, if you want to talk guns, touch guns, be around guns, you and your father should find elsewhere to do this, not here, not in front of me.  I don’t like them.  Please?