You know, I hate to use the name Jenny, The Bloggess and drugs in the same sentence but…xanax being my drug of choice just as it seems to be Jenny’s…….and since I’ve watched her part of the keynote from Blog World Expo 09 about 5 times or maybe it was 8 and then tonight, I got Boy Genius to watch it…..

And as much as I would like to say that this was an awesome idea on my part….and I mean really, anytime you can chat with Jenny…it is an awesome idea……but……..I’ve been reading Jenny for a long long long long long time.  And, many many times I’ve read her posts, laughed until I pee’d my pants and he forced me to quit reading. 

And, then…………

Back-up a few days….and I had this big horrible test on my jaws.  You know, the good oral surgeon promised me it wasn’t bad.  If I had thought he was lying, I would have taken a couple of xanax, which also happen to be my drug of choice.  But, I didn’t.  But, I should have. 

He also didn’t tell me that it was going to hurt like hell for a few days afterwards.  And, all I have to say about this is………..liars, they are all liars…and if I have to have to have oral surgery, I will not wait until I am home from the good surgery before I ask for pain meds.  At least he did call in some pain meds for me. 

And, that’s where the trouble started.  You see, a few pain meds called in by the good doctor (who by the way is a liar, liar, “it’s nothing, it’ll be a breeze) and then you add in a muscle relaxer that I’ve been taking for the TMJ and hey, this pain is hurting like a mofo and I need some xanax too. 

Even Jenny can’t handle her liquor as well as I can handle my drugs.  Well, if she still drinks screwdrivers for breakfast she might be in better shape than I am but…anyway…..back to my story…..

So, it was Wednesday when I had the test from hell.  Would you like to hear about it?  You know, they put me on this x-ray table and everyone’s covered with attire to prevent them from glowing it the dark…well except me that is…..I’m placed on my right side which leaves my left side that doesn’t hurt quite as bad in the first place right in harms way.  And, I get the ol’ “we are going to clean the area, it might be a bit cold”. 

And, this is when the lying started.  A bit cold, that crap was freezing stuff.  And, then he says, I’m going to put a bit of a Novocain in and it’s going to sting a bit.  LIAR LIAR LIAR…BIG FAT LIAR.  But, it wasn’t the most painful thing I’ve ever had done, I mean, I had babies cut from my belly. 

He then tells me that he will put the dye in my jaw and take a few x-rays.  It hurt.  He lied.  It hurt.  Not as bad as having a baby cut from my belly, but it hurt.  And then, he commences to asking me to open and close my jaw and he moves this needle or what ever it is in my jaw.  And, he moves it around some more.   Wiggle.  Lie!  Wiggle. Lie!

Ok, sweetie just roll over.  Now, let’s understand that this next side, which is my right, is the one that gives me hell on wheels 99% of the day and night.  And, this time I was prepared for the lie of “it’s going to be a little cold”.  LIAR!

And, I THOUGHT I was prepared for the “a stick and a sting with the novocaine” because you know, he lied about it once already, but I really did expect the same lie.  But, it was a much bigger lie this time.  That shit hurt like mofo!

And then…more lies, all lies I tell you…more lies.  He put that dye in my jaw and started with the “open”, “close” “open” close slowly” and then holy mother of Captain Kangaroo, I was ready to slap the crap out of some one. 

And, the I hear those words, “All done!”  The technician gives me the “lie still for a few minutes” and then after about 5 minutes, he gives me the clear to “sit up on the side of the table”.  And the nausea kicks in.  Pain does  that to me.  I explained to the tech that I was getting sick and his answer was “ok, you are ready, put you can put your earrings back in and there’s the door”.

UH?  I am about to barf my guts out, my jaws are killing me and if I had a weapon, someone would not leave that place in one place.  So, now what?  It sure be fine once his all wears off right?

WRONG!  LIARS! 

And so, with that I didn’t even make it home and I called begging for something for pain.  I still wasn’t told that the pain might last for more than a few hours.  The pain meds were called in and trust me, I was ready to take on about anything. 

Liars, liars I tell you, liars. 

Wednesday’s pain sends me to bed early, and not just early for me but like 7:30 PM which is only 6 or 7 hours early for me.  I arise on Thursday and guess what?  The pain is still there.  I have tons of school stuff to do for my son’s PTO so I get busy.  My husband takes Ditto Boy to school and my Mom agrees to let Mini-Me come with her (she is sitting with an elderly lady).

There was no way I was going to get that work done in that kind of pain.  So, I took the pain meds that were called in, no help.  I took the muscle relaxer that my ENT gave me for TMJ, no help.  And, then, I turn to my Jenny drugs….xanax and I took 2.  I took a nap.

A long nap.

By the time everyone was home, as in, children and my husband who can be a caregiver, I start to take the pain meds and wait an hour or so, take the muscle relaxer and wait an hour or so, take a Jenny-drug (xanax in case you got lost in all this) and then, after a year and a half, I started that over.

I watched my favorite show of all time, Survivor.  I mean, if you don’t watch Survivor, then something is wrong with you.  And, if you don’t shut off the phone and light Tiki Torches on your deck on Thursday night, then you simply aren’t right.

And, honestly, no amount of pain medicine, muscle relaxers or Jenny-drugs (xanax) could keep me from Survivor.  Even giving birth…that didn’t keep me from watching Survivor.  So, I watched Survivor.  My husband decided he would watch with me this go ‘round.

And, then…..then…he turns off all the lights.  Now how in the hell does one walk even in their own home in the dark.  And, add to that, how does a drunk and high person walk in their own home in the dark.  Add to that…….my son’s backpack was in my path…….and I trip. 

On a more horrible note, this computer that my husband has torn into bits an pieces is on the other side of the backpack.  And, now, this poor woman who has been lied to, attempted to do tons of school PTO work, taken drugs almost hourly all day long has slipped…………

and …………….

falls…..on top of an opened up CPU …and all Boy Genius could say was…”If you wouldn’t take all those drugs….”

And, that’s when he attempted to help me up off the floor where I had bits and pieces of a CPU rammed into my thigh, my ribs  and my head….and I politely explained to him that …

“……….I am not drunk or high and if you would get your shit out of the way on top of turning out on all the lights……then I would be fine……”

And today, today I rise out of bed….after it is way too late to take Ditto Boy to school (I had no plan for him to go anyway, long story – no readers digest version for that) and the kids had played the Wii and were ready for me, the hangover, banged up and half walking woman to cook them some breakfast. 

Does it help that we have no milk?  Or cereal?  We have muffins?  But, I’m hurting.  So, today, 2 full days after this little test on my jaws that was all lies, lies, lies and I was attempting to do the school’s PTO work.  And I was begging Boy Genius to come home, I was trying to find a way to get all that school crap to school without having to actually get dressed and get my non-school-attending child out of the house.  More begging on my part.  More negativity from Boy Genius. 

And luckily, my mom calls.  She is on her way but she doesn’t mention taking the boys with her but she does agree to take the PTO stuff to school.  She tells me then that she will return to get the boys for a short while before she has to return to sitting with the lady. 

And, I start digging in my medicine cabinet.  And, this time, I take it all.  I don’t wait an hour in between, I take the pain meds, the muscle relaxer and the Jenny-drug (Xanax).  And, if you Google the combination of darvocet, bupap (or xanaflex, which one was it) and xanax, you are sure to get a nice cocktail of drunk.

I haven’t had anything to eat since before the test on Wednesday morning so there’s no surprise that the meds make me loopy as crap last night, but today…today, today I had still had no food and….I knew that with that much medicine and that little bit of food….I should be very drunk and I should be ready to nap because hey, the PTO stuff was done and delivered. 

Lies, I tell you, lies, it’s all lies…..you body composition and your drug cabinet…it’s not predictable….and doctors…they lie…..and technicians, they life…..and Google …sometimes it lies toooo.

So, I told you all that to say, Jenny, don’t mix your xanax with say darvocet or bupap or xanaflex.

You got all that Jenny…..I mean, I know you are dying for my advice…….hahahahahahahahaha!