Mom~E~Centric

Ok, no need to get your drawers in a wad here.  While you are welcome to disagree, you aren’t welcome to be mean.  Are we all clear?

Ok, so I spanked my child at the baseball field. 

Here’s how it all laid out.  Since the beginning of baseball season, the other parents have heard me relentlessly threaten to punish Ditto Boy in various ways depending on what he has done.  I believe the punishment needs to fit the crime where as Boy Genius just believes in spanking plain and simple, regardless of the crime. 

I am definitely not a helicopter parent..and trust me there are some there.  If you had seen my kids 30 minutes after we got to the park with mud from head to toe, you’d know I don’t follow them around wiping them clean.  Dirt is dirt.  (Tomorrow when I’m scrubbing those clothes, you may hear a different story.)

I like to know where my kids are, but I’m not opposed to them sitting at one field watching a game while I sit at another or do something that’s needed other wise.  I am opposed to them running like wild apes all over the park. 

This story has history too.  I haven’t spanked Ditto Boy in a long time.  Really, I don’t know when it was, I’ve punished him other ways but not spanked.  However, in the last week, his mouth has increasingly got out of control.  When my mom left to be with her sister in Florida, we let the kids get away with a bit because we were certain that they were acting out because she was gone.  But, in the last two weeks, he has just become intolerable. 

He has gone so far as to do the following:

• cross his arms and throw out his bottom lip and holler humpf when told to do something
• cross his arms and throw out his bottom lip and cry when told to do something
• just cry out like we are killing him for no reason
• cross his arms, stick out his lip and say "whhyyyyyyyyyy"
• walk through the house, arms crossed, stomping his feet, grunting louder with each step

And, yesterday, he smarted off to the woman who was working in the dugout.  I heard her call his name a couple of times.  I called him over to me and I warned him that it should not happen and better not happen again.  And, again, I heard her tell him to "stop" doing something.  We aren’t talking baseball stuff, just kid stuff by a bench-rider.  So, Boy Genius threatened him.  All, apparently to no avail.

Ditto Boy’s game was over and I had already made up my mind that I was not moving from where I was sitting.  I had found one of the few shades and we had to play again a few hours later so Ditto Boy was told to come sit on the ground by me, in front of me, near me, just sit and be a kid but not be an ape.  He commenced to digging in the dirt.  And that turned into a dirt fight.  I put a stop to the dirt fight immediately, apologized to another kid’s parents (although their kid had done as much as mine, I am that parent who takes responsibility) and I demanded that he turn around and watch the game. 

And then……… I hear a woman who had just sat down say, "Boys, DON’T do that please".  However, I had already put out the orders to quit with the dirt playing. She was probably near my mom’s age.  When I asked if he had apologized, the woman tried to say yes, but before she could, he yelled at me. 

My kid.  He yelled.  At me!

So…………

(I just remembered that he had a screaming fit at me once while in the dugout which almost caused me and his father to flip our lids.  His dad called him over that time and informed him that his behavior was unacceptable and again, he was told that he was receiving his last warning.

So, back to the story…where was I?
Oh, so when he yelled, I quietly and calmly (and I say that because I am not always, probably more like rarely, quiet and calm) said to him, "turn around and get out of the dirt". 

And, he snatched his bat bag and threw dirt all over the woman AGAIN.  And then, he yelled at me again. 

Again, you hear me, again.

This was more than 24 hours ago, I’m not mad about this, I was never mad, but you can see clearly that it still bothers me.  This is my biggest parental issue in general.

So, where was I?

Oh, he yelled at me again AND threw dirt on the woman’s feet AGAIN.

And, with that, I stood up and demanded that he follow me.  We weaved our way out of the crowd.  I approached the concession stand where Boy Genius was standing and a group of on-lookers (the ones I mentioned above who have heard me threaten for 3 months now).  I asked for Boy Genius’s belt.  Ditto Boy wasn’t crying but he was about to. 

Boy Genius removed his belt, ever so slowly, I suspect to try to calm me down but he would never admit it.  The onlookers continued to watch, most with eyes of sympathy for Ditto Boy…or maybe it was for me, either way, it was enough to make me feel guilty…later.  Right then, I was not feeling guilty.  I wasn’t necessarily angry either.  I just knew that I had threatened and it was time to make good on my promise. 

As I said, I don’t know when I spanked him last and I have threatened for some time plus his smart mouth had become increasingly worse over the course of the last two weeks.  He thinks he should tell me how to drive, how much ice to put in a cup, when I should go to bed, etc.   You get the point, he acts like me.

Anyway, I was going to take him into the bathroom but they were occupied.  So, I took him behind the building where the concession stand was set up.  I spanked him.  He did cry, but only afterwards.  I did not spank him in anger and I did not spank him enough to hurt him which is apparent by the fact that he didn’t cry until I was done.

But, this story does not end here.  As we rounded the corner and I reached out to return the belt to Boy Genius, he crossed his arms, stuck out his lips, and yelled at me AGAIN.  

This time, I wouldn’t have been even upset if he had just said, "you hurt my leg".  Instead, he yelled it!  And I took the belt back from Boy Genius and we returned behind the building.  This time was one lick..on the other leg.  I gave him the "it hurt me worse than it hurts you" speech, the "be respectful to adults" speech and "now get back over there and sit down and behave" speech.

I returned the belt to Boy Genius.  We returned to our seats.  He remained seated, nicely, behaved, and did not back-talk, yell, smart-talk or throw any more dirt.  He had another game and he warmed up and played.  He behaved in the dugout. 

After his game, he returned to his seat and we received more of the same.  The latter that is, sitting, behaving, talking like a child should to adults and not throwing dirt on people. 

I informed him during the day at one time before I spanked him that I would be removing his toys from his room.  He could keep his books but no toys.  He knew I wasn’t kidding about it but apparently at that time it wasn’t enough to calm his tongue.

We came home, they took baths and everyone headed to bed around 11:30.  Yes, 11:30.  My kids normally go to bed by 7:30.  That’s another reason why we have let some of his behavior slide as well.  He has baseball practice two nights a week from approximately 6:30 til 8:00.  That means that he isn’t getting in bed until a little after 9:00.  Some weeknights they have played and he hasn’t made it to bed until closer to 10. 

We have given him the benefit of the doubt.  But, he wasn’t phased or didn’t care that I would be removing his toys.  And I did what I have been threatening to do for over 9 months, maybe a year.  And it helped.

Until he got out of bed this morning.  When he was reminded that he was to go remove the toys from his room, he crossed his arms, stomped his feet and yelled "Whhhyyyy?"

That lasted all day.  Boy Genius threatened to spank him but never did it.  I think he felt bad for Ditto Boy yesterday too.  No one said a word to me about it.  I have heard plenty of parents over the course of the last three months discuss spanking their children and threaten to do so.  No one has ever made the threat a reality while at the park.  But, there was nothing left for me to do.

I wonder who and if anyone will mention it when we return tomorrow night to play again in the tournament.  I wonder if some innocent bystander thinks I went overboard and calls the authorities on me.  And I wonder………..

I just wonder…..really…that’s all, I just wonder…..

I’m going to do my best to be quick on this one.  You see, in a couple of days my adorable husband and my sweet cherubs and I will all pile into a 2010 Chevy Equinox courtesy of GM.  We will embark on about a 9 hour drive to destination Mickey Mouse’s House.

With that said, the Equinox is a courtesy afforded to us by GM.  There have been many others great companies that I’ve been fortunate enough to work with and you are going to hear about those as well.  But, the promise that my children will behave like angels?  That one just hasn’t happened yet.  And, I must admit, I’m nervous, very nervous. 

You see, I have met a few of the bloggers who will be at the conference and I am none to shy so I’m not worried about walking up to someone really famous and making a fool of myself.  That basically just means I’m a dork.  And, I have this nifty gifts for everyone courtesy of My Precious Kid to help with the safety of the time spent at Disney with everyone’s kids running around in a strange place and possibly without adequate supervision.

And that really tells the story doesn’t it.  My husband with both of my kids means that he is out numbered.  And, when he is out numbered by the children, there is inadequate supervision.  And, I admit, I’m a wee bit skeered.

But, what concerns me more is how my children behave in general and how they will interact with the children of other bloggers.  You see, even the bloggers that I would say I know “well” have no idea how I function within the confines of my family.  And, obviously that works the other way around.  But honestly, I’m not worried about how their kids behave because I’m too concerned about my own.

What if, just hypothetically speaking here, what if you met me last year at a conference and by some off-the-wall chance, you liked me.  And, if you were at the right conference, you had the opportunity to meet my husband.  And, maybe, just maybe you liked him.  But, even then, you only saw the two of us interact minimally.

So, you like me, we’ve established that, hypothetically anyway.  You thought my husband was nice enough, and he is. And then you meet me in Orlando?  Let’s say, hypothetically speaking that we run into one another in the lobby of the Polynesian Resort.

First of all, I’ve never been there, so I have no clue what the lobby looks like.  But, that’s not what I’m about here anyway.  Let’s say we have an encounter in the lobby, and my kid’s are like hanging from the ceiling fans by their underwear and encouraging other children to pick a blade and start swinging so they can keep the fans balanced?

Or, what if they are like unscrewing all the light bulbs in the lamps in the lobby?  Or maybe they are just unplugging them all?  What if they decide that a gorgeous water fall is going to make an excellent wading pool? 

What then?  How do I cope?  Will you hate me forever?  Are you going to run from during the sessions although the curtain climbers will be safely tucked away tormenting their father? 

Please do not hold their behavior against me.  Please.  And, if you can promise not to hold their ceiling fan antics or water fall bathing, please comment so I at least know who I can turn to in a time of need.  Worst case scenario, I’m putting temporary safety bracelets on them and putting their names on them “Sasha Obama”  & “Malia Obama”. 

What?  I know …shhhhhhhhhhh

1.  My husband complains because our kids are terrors when it comes to keeping things organized.  He is worse than they are and probably ever will be.

2.  My husband complains because our kids complain, whine and huff.  Most of the time when I ask him to do things, he huffs and usually doesn’t do it anyway.

3.  My husband tells our kids that he is tired of hearing them talk smart-alec to him.  He is a smart alec in almost every thing he says.  He is very cynical when it comes to the kids.

4.  My husband forces the boys to let him wash and scrub their faces yet when it comes to getting water on his face, he hates it.  He washes his own face although he won’t shave but once a week or sometimes not even that.

5.  He forces the kids to pick up all their “things” in the family room every night.  But he rarely ever picks his own collage of junk up that “lives” in the family room.

Ok, I did 5 instead of 10 but that’s just because those 5 make me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t go on.

I know that part of what ails my four year old is that he has his grandmother’s stubborn disposition.  This is a quote from me from one of the four parts of this saga…

“I didn’t speak to him.  When we arrived home I sent him to his toy room and made him stay for over an hour.”

My mother is the Queen of the silent treatment.  Not me, I have too much to say to give someone the silent treatment for very long or very often.  But my mother, she would get mad at me for something and not speak to me for 2 or 3 days  She has done that in my adult life many times as well.  She simply doesn’t approve of something I’ve done, and she quits calling, she doesn’t come around, nothing.  She can go a long time at that rate too.

Once when I was young, probably in the neighborhood of 10, she and her then husband got into an argument.  And, he earned “the silent treatment”.  Here’s the wonky part, they lived in same house, slept in same bed, she cooked meals like nothing was wrong, she done everything just like  nothing was wrong…except she simply did not speak one word to him.

Ok, so big deal you say, that happens all the time with couples.  Well, here’s the extra wonky part…..she did this for SIX FREAKIN’ WEEKS.  I am not kidding, for 6 weeks she gave someone in the same house, same bed, same meal table the silent treatment.

So, when she complains about Mini Me and calls him stubborn, I simply start a rant about “pots calling kettles black” and she backs down.  But, I thought it might help explain to you guys where Mini Me got the stubborn gene.

I always said I would not do that to my kids.  I was miserable when she would go days without speaking to me.  And, I swore I wasn’t going to do that to my children.  But, the fits he is throwing as of late, I have to just not say anything to keep from going over board.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the little slobbery, stubborn kid to death.  But, breakdowns, like this morning, over nothing, just seems so out of the norm for a 4 year old.  Here’s how this morning played out..

We got up on time, I got cereal fixed and he starts immediately refusing to eat.  I don’t insist.  I know he will eat when he is hungry.  I get Ditto Boy’s clothes out, then I get Mini Me’s clothes out too.  I have no idea exactly when it turned sour but I had to forcibly put his shirt, pants, socks and shoes on him.  Then, while I was getting his coat, which I had to force on him as well (it was in the 30’s outside), he started screaming and yelling at me.  He flopped in the floor and was spinning in circles like he was break dancing.  And, through all of this, he kicked his shoes off.  I put his coat on him and said, “fine, we are leaving”.  He ended up walking to the truck in some 30 degree weather without any shoes.  He screamed and hollered for the biggest part of the 6 miles to school.  I didn’t speak to him.  When we arrived home I sent him to his toy room and made him stay for over an hour.

I know some of you are thinking it is an issue of discipline or respect.  But, he has been punished, he has been rewarded for the good, we have a sticker chart with goals and rewards.  He simply doesn’t seem to get it.

When it was time to go pick Ditto Boy up from school.  You can basically take the above quote and later rinse and repeat.

He wouldn’t put the pants on that he had been wearing prior to nap because he said they were wet.  He went to the bedroom and returned with 2 pair of nylon pants.  He put both pair of nylon pants on after he changed his pull-up.  I handed him his socks and he took them to the hamper because “they are dirty” even though he had only worn them briefly this morning….well, they may have been wet since he didn’t have on shoes.  Anyway, he wouldn’t go get clean ones, so I told him to just get his shoes.  He wanted his crocs but couldn’t find but one.  This brought on the fall in the floor break dancing spin.  I told him to get his tennis shoes.  He wanted his play shoes.  I said fine.  He got them and then demanded that I put them on.  I wouldn’t do it until he asked nicely.  Time was wasting and we didn’t have time on our side by this point.

Once he half way asked nicely, I started putting the shoes on him and we had the sock argument again.  I made him wear the shoes anyway.  This caused another fit.  I went toward the door and when I turned to close it and lock it, he was right behind me.  Again, he screamed a better part of the trip to school.  He removed his shoes before we got home and came inside barefoot.

Now, again, I know this is just yelling “discipline him goofy woman, discipline him and quit complaining”.  The thing is, there’s very little that gets his attention.  He does better for Boy Genius than for me, well, heck, that’s an understatement, he does 100% better for him.  But, Boy Genius rides him like a thorough-bred.  It makes me crazy.  But, it works.

And, because it works, I guess I basically have my answer.  My husband knew that I had been through the mill today so he suggested that I go to the store tonight alone and he would help the boys clean up the toy room.  I jumped at the chance.  When I returned, Boy Genius informs me that the kid was fine the whole time he was gone.

Mini Me wanted to get in bed with Boy Genius about 2 and a half hours ago.  Then, 15 minutes later he wanted to sleep on the floor in the hall.  I said no.  Then he wanted to sleep on the sofa.  I said fine.  Then he needed a pillow and a blanket and then wanted to sleep in the floor.  He was doing anything to just stay awake.

Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago, he went to bed under the premise that  I would rub his back when I went to bed.  I agreed.  He stayed in bed with Boy Genius about 5 minutes and was back to family room.  On the sofa in the floor, you name it, he stalled with that tactic.

And, then, I told him point blank, you have 3 choices, get in your bed, in bed with dad or on the sofa.  And, he lost it.  He lost his temper and started to scream uncontrollably at me, just like the two previous times today.  Within seconds Boy Genius was at the door.  He scolded him for screaming and made him go to bed with him.

So, in summary…

1.  The potty issue  – from every aspect, the refusal to talk about it, the refusal to even try to wear underwear, his refusal to even get near the potty (big one or his), his complete and utter defiance in this area.

Doesn’t that scream problem when he is 4 years old and doing this?

2.  The fact that he is so defiant.

Doesn’t that seem odd for a 4 year old to be so totally whacked out by every little thing.  I mean, he will pick something that he knows will cause and argument just for argument’s sake.  Did you read this?  This is what I mean.

Is that normal between siblings?  My husband and I are both only children and it is making us nuts.

3.  He loses his cool really quickly and is quickly out of control.  His impulse control in the temper department is out of whack.  His impulse control isn’t necessarily out of whack in other areas.  He plays well and shares fine..unless…he just hits that mark.

Isn’t he a little young for the “hot head” syndrome?

4.  Discipline methods work, but only and I mean this ONLY after he has been punished multiple times in a very short period of time.  A good example of this, he gets in trouble for doing X and he is sent to his room for time-out.  He screams like a banshee while he is in there.  Boy Genius goes in, talks to him and demands that he quit screaming.  Mini Me slams doors, kicks walls, and screams at Boy Genius as he is leaving the room.  Boy Genius returns and spanks him.  This evokes more screaming, more kicking, more flailing.  Eventually he quits crying and will come to the end of the hall with his head down and say in a very quite voice, “can I come back in here and play?”

After he is allowed to return to play, he may or may not make it to play for a short period of time and it might be hours.  But, regardless, when he does something wrong, he is sent to his room and we go through the same scenario over and over.

So, do you think we could have bigger issues here?  Bigger problems?  Or just a stubborn and defiant and disobedient child who requires more attention to details of his behavior?

I’m at a loss ya’ll, really, I don’t know which way to turn.  Honestly, I’m giving this until I get back from Blissdom and if I have seen no change, I am making him an appointment with the psychiatrist that Ditto Boy saw when he was 3 for his wild active mannerisms.

In the meantime, I turn to the real professionals, the mommy’s out there….you tell me, what do you think?  What would you do?

Boy Genius had no idea that he ever screamed like that.  So, are you all still in agreement that it is just that I have to come down harder on him?

Consider this and let me know what you think?

So, in the last post, I asked for your advice about how to handle the potty training.  And, I’m not looking for more tactics.  I’m looking for something deeper, something more in depth.  So…

Would you resort to the plan of spending the day in the bathroom with him until he sits on the potty, blocking his way out and locking up the pull-ups.  Here’s a suggestion from a reader.

Take a day and DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE

get a HUGE pile of books from the library

camp out in the bathroom – DO NOT LEAVE THE BATHROOM FOR ANY REASON

Do not bring anything but books into the bathroom – no toys

bring something for you to read

Tell him that if he sits on his potty sans clothes, you’ll read out loud to him, but otherwise you’ll read to yourself.

Sit with your back to the door, so he can’t run out

stay there

repeat for a few days

and another one who suggested…

aside of a ped/ psych eval….my best suggestion….assuming nothing medically is wrong…

1. put the pullups under lock and key…literally….there will be no sneaking! 1 pullup a night for sleep..although mine was dry at night before i even tried to train. (Nothing to drink 2 hrs b4 bed)

2. take a day….and go cold turkey….it’s underwear/training and plastic pants. plan on several days w/o leaving the house.

3. He doesn’t wear the above…..he gets nothing…and mean it…no tv, no toys, no nothing – not even food. To get anything…he has to wear the above. This is not up for negotiation!

4. once an hour..he sits on the potty…1st in clothes, than naked but…see above.

5. He sits, he gets a rewards…once sitting is established, he pees/poops he gets reward. Reading on the pot is good to give him something positive,

6. He has an accident…he cleans it up. (to the best of his ability.)

7. If you must leave the house (to take other child to school?) He’s in plastic pants, sits on the potty b4 and after trip, and keep trip as short as possible.

Good luck, it seems you have quite a willful child there…but you can make it so he has no choice…it’s training pants for you buster!

What would you do?  Would you try the above strategies?  Would it matter to you that I feel like there is a deeper issue and that I am going to cause him stress for the long term if I try these methods?  I don’t know what I think could be wrong with him but he really has been a difficult child in his 4 years.